The Alumna
by svespa
Summary: In the wake of Dumbledore's death, the members of the Order of the Phoenix are in need of another powerful wizard to lead them. They find one in the form of someone many had resigned to the distant past. Will her reappearance lead to the vanquishing of Voldermort? And can she reclaim the potential for happiness she & others sacrificed to secure this ultimate victory?
1. Chapter 1

The idea for this story was conceived before the release of the final book in the Harry Potter series, and therefore differs greatly from the original final storyline. I have added new and altered existing characters. I do hope you approve of what I've done.

The main characters, setting and storyline are the work of J. K. Rowling. I do not lay any claim to any element of the Harry Potter series.

**Chapter 1: The Summoning**

_"There's only one thing to do. We must summon Susannah."_

_They looked at one another, wondering if the shock of Dumbledore's death had caused Professor McGonagall to lose her mind._

_"But Minerva, dear," a female voice said gently. "Susannah died 16 years ago. Murdered, so they say, by Snape. Just like Albus."_

_"Excuse me if I don't decide all important matters according to 'what they say'?" said Professor McGonagall __dryly. "Anyway, none of that matters now. Susannah is not dead, and Remus is already on his way to bring her home!"__  
_

* * *

Around here I'm know as the Crazy Cat Lady. It seems almost obligatory these days for every neighbour to have one to call their own. How fortunate for the locals then that a solitary, secretive woman with a liking for black dresses moved into the old stone cottage that every pregnant cat in the district seemed to choose to birth their numerous young. But that was well over a decade ago. The children I terrified when I first arrived are used to me now, but still instruct their own children to give me a wide berth. I hear the children whisper that I am a witch…

Ha! If only they knew! I could try and tell them that I am actually a good witch, but the subject strangely has never been broached with me by any of the locals. I rarely get to use my magic here. Only in the dead of night when I am sure I will be unobserved. And when I'm too lazy to make myself dinner.

I have come to love my adopted home. Here it's not as hot as it gets on the mainland, and sometimes it even snows. It makes me think of my homeland. I haven't seen it in over fifteen years. I haven't seen my husband in over fifteen years. I haven't hugged, kissed or made love to another being either. How could I, when my heart still belongs so utterly to him? But, well, we did what we had to do. There was no choice but for me to come here. They would have killed me. They would have killed him.

Today for some reason, my homeland plays heavily on my heart and mind. My memories of home seem almost torturous. I can't help but feel that some is about to happen. Or has just happened. It's like the universe has cracked. I can almost hear it…

And then I realise that the crack is real. It's a sound I had long forgotten; the sound of someone apparating outside my door. Maybe it's the end. Maybe the Death Eaters have finally found me. I stand up and slowly make my way through the shadows to the window so I can look outside my door.

And there I see a figure I have not beheld for 15 years or more. I'm sure no Death Eater would think to imitate that confused, befuddled look that comes so naturally to this friend of mine. I run to the door and fling it open.

"Remus!" I exclaim, throwing my arms around his neck and hugging him. I am like a little girl, jumping up and down with excitement.

He has been taken by surprise, but soon his look of astonishment melts and he is smiling and hugging me back.

"Zannah!" he says as he kissed my hair. "I, I can't believe it. Let me look at you!"

We separate and he pushes me back and looks me up and down. I see tears appear in his eyes.

"But, you're all woman now," he mutters. "I never thought I'd see…God, it's good to see you!" He hugs me again.

I can understand his feelings at the sight of me. Last time he saw me, I was little more than a girl. Hardly 20. Now, I'm not so far from middle age. But then, he too has changed. He is looking rather more haggard than I remembered.

"You look tired Remus," I say. I can't resist adding the question: "Is it your time of the month?"

He chuckles. "No. Is it yours?" he asks. "I remember a time when we used to be in synch!"

"That's right. Sirius, James and Peter keeping you company during the change was nothing compared to my bleeding and sharing your desire to howl at the moon with you!"

The laugh is heartier this time. "Didn't you used to grow hair on your hands too?" he says, grinning. "Ouch!"

He rubs his arm, feigning injury. I have just dealt him a playful punch there for his impertinence.

"Seriously, you were _all_ good friends. You were like my family."

We both fall silent for a moment or two. I'm sure his mind has drifted, as has mine, back to those long lost days of our teenage years. They seem like another lifetime.

"So," he says eventually. "Did you hear about Sirius?"

I nod in response. He extends his hand to comfort me, but with a hint of trepidation. I know he's unsure how I will take this being brought up. He's well aware Sirius and I had 'a thing' at one stage. In fact, Sirius was my first. The first boy who showed an interest in me. The first boy I kissed. The first boy I made love to.

Naturally, Sirius's death did upset me, but there are others whose death I would feel – and have indeed felt – more keenly.

"Yes, I heard," I reply. "There are so few of us left now. And now I'm fearing I'm about to receive another blow. So tell me Remus, there has to be a damn good reason why you've come all this way after so long. Spit it out. Has another one of us fallen?"

My eyes hit the floor immediately after my question is asked. It's taking all my strength to stay standing and breathing. What if he's about to say the words I've been dreading all these years? What if he is going to tell me my husband is dead?

"It's Dumbledore."

This is almost as much of a blow. I truly loved and revered my godfather. But my husband is still alive. I can continue to live in hope of seeing him again.

"Zannah?" Remus's voice re-alerts me to his presence. It's so easy to slip back into believing I'm alone. I've imagined reunion scenes with loved ones so many times over the years.

He continues, "You don't seem…well, you seem almost relieved!"

"Oh, Remus, no...believe me, I am upset. I'm devastated, I truly am!" I feel his arms around me once again. My voice slightly muffled by his cloak, which I have dampened by my tears, I say, "I just thought for a minute that you might have been about to tell me…"

"...that your husband was dead? Don't worry, he's still very much alive."

There's a tone of bitterness in Remus's voice at his next pronouncement.

"In fact, he's the one who killed your godfather."


	2. Chapter 2

I forgot to say last time, I would love to hear your views on this story. So please review if you can!

**Chapter 2: Snape's Worst Memory**

I so clearly remember the first time I saw Severus Snape; or should I say, the first time I _registered_ seeing him. Most likely I had unwittingly passed him on many occasions in the time I'd been at Hogwarts. This particular day was in my fourth year at the school. I walked into a courtyard to find my own dear brother, James, using an unidentified Slytherin student as a yoyo by dangling him in mid-air. As a curious crowd gathered, Lily Evans, a fellow Gryffindor student, was demanding that James let the boy down. I recognised Lily because I had noticed that my brother had quite a crush on her. I'd heard that she was on rather friendly terms with a Slytherin boy who had grown up in the same neighbourhood as she had. James's victim, I gathered, was very likely to be that boy.

_What the hell James was thinking_, I wondered? _Did he believe humiliating someone's best friend was the way to their heart? Did he see it as vanquishing his rival? Proving he was the superior male because he was stronger?_

I remember Sirius and Peter there, laughing, egging him on. I saw dear Remus too, speechless, confused about whether or not he should be bound by his loyalties, or if he should speak up and try to make the incorrigible James do what he knew to be the right thing.

As it happened, all Lily's efforts and words were wasted. James wasn't listening - probably because he was revelling in having her attention focused on him for so long. And then, the suspended Slytherin loudly and angrily declared that he didn't need the help of a 'Mudblood' like Lily.

The bewildered Lily exited the scene and left them to it.

_So much for childhood friendship, _I thought. In retrospect though, I suspect Severus's masculine pride was too wounded to accept help from Lily. Even then I noticed the way he was looking to Lily, and then at James, hoping that Lily's eyes would raise to meet his, only to find them constantly focused on James. If ever he felt their relationship could develop beyond a close friendship, that hope was dashed that day. Lily may have been negotiating on his behalf, but she barely even looked at him. Her main concern seemed to be James's behaviour, not its effect or the potential peril it placed on his victim.

Once Lily had departed, my brother was rather at a loss as to what to do next. While Sirius shouted suggestions for tortures they could try, James, still holding wand aloft, looked wistfully in the direction in which Lily had walked. His lack of attention, and (there's no denying it) the fact my innate wizarding skills were superior to his, allowed me to take control of the situation. I whipped out my wand and raised James himself into the air. This caused him to drop his wand, and his spell was broken.

James squirmed and struggled as he hung there.

"Susannah!" he yelled furiously. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Sirius meanwhile, had run up and tried to grab my wand. Knowing that I had a bit of a crush on him (most girls did), he tried to get me to look him in the eye, hoping I presume to use my youthful affection for him to win me over, or at least make me lose control of my spell.

But I shook him off. I knew what he was doing, and it just made me more determined.

"Zannah, come on!" he pleaded. "You're embarrassing your brother..."

"How's that any worse than what he was doing to that boy?" I demanded. My anger surged, so I decided to make James do a couple of somersaults as a way of venting it.

"That boy? Snivellus? He deserves it! He's a Slytherin..."

"I don't care!" I snapped back at Sirius. "No one deserves that! Do you think this is how Godric Gryffindor would behave? You're bullies, pure and simple!"

"All right! You're right!" came James's voice from above. In a quieter tone he added, "I'm sorry. "

"Good," I said. I began to bring him down slowly. "Now apologise to..." It occurred to me that perhaps 'Snivellus' wasn't the boy's actual name. I turned to look for him. He had apparently just managed to untangle himself and his cloak from the bush into which he had fallen when James's spell was broken. I scolded myself for not having taken better notice of where he fell. It seemed that even in the midst of being rescued, this poor lad was overshadowed by James.

"I'm sorry," muttered James, in his enemy's direction, though avoiding his eyes.

The as-yet-unidentified Severus was busily straightening his cloak and removing leaves and twigs from his hair and clothing. Still too upset to speak, he simply nodded.

Sirius, who wasn't ready to let this go quite yet, blocked his escape route.

"Now, Severus," his eyes narrowed as he confronted a boy he clearly regarded as beneath contempt. "Thank Susannah for rescuing you."

As he spoke, I realised that perhaps I hadn't really handled this whole business very well. Yes, I had rescued Severus from harm and taught James (though apparently not Sirius) a lesson about putting oneself into another's shoes, but I had not succeeded in saving Severus from being humiliated. Not only had he been flipped around in mid-air like a puppet and lost hope of claiming the woman he thought he loved, he'd been saved by unknown, barely pubescent student from a younger class.

Severus's lips tightened, as he looked first to Sirius and then quickly at me.

"I did not require anyone's help!" he muttered, before flinging his cloak over his shoulder like a cartoon villain. With that he departed.

Sirius turned to me again.

"See what we mean," Sirius said, with the most annoying air of having just imparted the wisdom of his years on me - a simple, young ingénue.

He really didn't know when to shut up, I thought. And I wasn't about to allow Sirius (or James) any sense of triumph.

"No, I don't" I replied shortly. "But I know that two wrongs don't make a right!" And, doing a very good impression of Severus's departing attitude, sans cape, I stormed off without even glancing back to see their reaction.

I had Potions class after that. My heart wasn't really in it. I couldn't help but mull over the events of lunchtime over and over again. Had I done the right thing? Maybe Lily Evans knew what she was doing, walking away and leaving Severus to fend for himself? Maybe being that year older than me gave her a wisdom about boys that simply hadn't developed yet in me? I started to imagine what it would be like having two boys fighting over you like that. As Professor Slughorn droned on, my mind was conjuring up a scene in which Sirius's confrontation with Severus had escalated into an argument over me...

But the reality was this was so far from the truth. Severus was hardly even aware that I existed. He didn't even bother to look at me more than fleetingly before he left. And he was clearly ungrateful for any efforts I had made. It was true Sirius had behaved like a real bastard, but he was undeniably more handsome than Severus. And although he had many female admirers, he make it clear that he regarded me as special.

After class had finished, I found my godfather outside waiting for me. The poor dear man! I remember how before I had started at Hogwarts I had solemnly instructed him that just because he was my godfather didn't mean he should treat me differently from any of the other students. He was to behave formally with me at ALL times!

With a twinkle in his eye only visible to those of a more discerning nature, he beckoned me to him. "May I see you for a moment, Miss Potter?" he said.

"Yes, Professor," I responded with equal formality, minus the twinkle.

I walked meekly behind him. I could hear whispers as we walked that I must have done something and was about it 'get it'.

When the Professor had found an alcove he considered secluded enough, he seated himself on the bench there and patted it for me to sit beside him.

"Now," he said, allowing himself to smile. "Are we sufficiently alone for us to drop the formality?"

"Yes, Uncle Albus," I smiled. He wasn't my uncle, but this was what I called him.

"Excellent!" he beamed. "Now, Zannah my pet, it's been reported to me that you did your godfather proud at lunchtime. Is that correct?"

I sighed with relief. If Albus Dumbledore believed I had done the right thing, then it must be true I had!

"Who told you?" I asked.

"Well, actually, I got it straight from the horse's mouth. From a young man by the name of Severus Snape. He rushed by me before in such a state, I had to stop him to find out what had happened. It took a little coaxing, but soon he opened up to me."

"What did he say?" I was understandably keen to hear Severus's interpretation of the events.

"He told me what James had done to him," Dumbledore paused to frown. He was clearly not impressed with my brother. I suspected James would be called to his office once he had finished with me. "Then he told me how two young witches had tried to act on his behalf. One he identified as Lily Evans, a friend of his, and the other he said he didn't know. I asked him to describe her, and, amongst other things, he said she was 'sort of pretty'. Once he said that, I knew he must mean you."

Dumbledore twinkled and smiled unreservedly as he said this. He was teasing me, yes, but on some other level, I knew he meant it. He was not a husband or a father, and women had never held any delight to him in any physical sense, so when I came along, and into a relationship to him unique from any other female, he was completely besotted. No one was prettier, cleverer, more talented etc etc.

But at the time I had no interest in analysing my godfather. I was stuck on the idea that an older boy, a boy on the brink of manhood, had referred to me as 'pretty'. I almost felt I should be indignant - because I believed brains were more important than beauty. But, although I tried to be annoyed, my heart felt like it was doing somersaults.

I saw a curious expression pass across my godfather's face. He was a remarkable, brilliant man, and I'm sure he picked up on my reaction to hearing Severus had called me pretty. Over the years of my solitude, as I've relived that day over and over in my mind, I've come to wonder if perhaps he knew, either through sheer intelligence or possibly even in knowledge of some prophecy, that as he spoke to me in that alcove at Hogwarts, I gave my heart to the man destiny had prescribed to be my soul mate. Whether he did or not, from that moment on, I never really belonged to anyone but Severus. Others may have had brief possession of my body, but my heart and soul were now his and his alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The Reaction**

Poor Remus. I'm sure that he made the journey to see me with his mind preoccupied, wondering how on earth to break the calamitous news of my godfather's death to me, and then how to deliver the second blow that the man I love was my godfather's killer. He would expect tears, possibly anger and protestations that he must be wrong, my husband could never do such a thing! But it's no surprise to me. I have known for years it had to be this way.

So he is understandably confused by my relative composure.

"Zannah? I don't understand…Did you hear me? Severus killed Dumbledore. Just like that. Killed the old man whilst looking him straight in the eye. I know you love Severus, but surely you can't... Doesn't this finally make you question…?"

It's his adding 'finally' that's the clincher. I have always appreciate the way that Remus has given Severus the benefit of the doubt, taking the lead from Dumbledore's and my view of him. He has never actively disliked Severus, or been rude to him as James and Sirius so often had, but nevertheless he has never quite been able to lay his suspicions regarding his loyalties to rest. Sev had, after all, been a Death Eater. Voldermort himself regarded Severus as a trusted confidante (and if all is going to plan, continues to do so). And now he has killed the leader of the fight against the Death Eaters! I can't blame Remus for jumping to the obvious conclusion. I'm in no doubt most of the other surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix have too.

"No, Remus, it doesn't make me question anything, least of all my husband's loyalties," I respond calmly. It's such a relief to me to be able to share the truth with someone. Throughout my relationship with Severus, I've had to put up with people questioning my choice, telling me he was no good. Now, finally, I can let someone else see how incredible my husband really is. "If anything, it actually confirms his loyalty to our cause. It was always going to end this way, Remus. All this time - even before I had to go into hiding - Dumbledore, Severus and I knew that Severus would have to be the one to kill Dumbledore."

Remus shakes his head. He can't make sense of what he's hearing.

I continue. "You may have heard the rumour that it was Severus who killed me," I say quietly.

This seems to hit a nerve with Remus. "Oh, yes, I heard that!" responds Remus bitterly. "I heard you were dead. And yet here you stand before me, very much alive! I didn't realise you weren't dead until Minerva McGonagall sent me here today to get you. All these years I thought all the Potters were gone, and here you are!"

"All the Potters?" This startles me. "But, Remus, isn't...is my nephew...?"

"Sorry, yes, Harry is very much alive. I meant your family: you, James and your parents. The Potters I grew up with."

_Thank god Harry is alive!_ I think. I have so many questions, but they will have to wait. I don't think Remus is quite finished with me yet.

"Why didn't you let me know, Zannah?" he went on. "You were like a sister to me! Was I nothing to you? All these years, most of you dead, Sirius in prison, I've thought there was no one left for me in the world. And here you've been all this time! Why wouldn't you let me know? Didn't you trust me?"

There's a passion in his words that takes me by surprise. I love Remus like a brother. I always have. But James, Lily, Dumbledore, even Sirius…they all _died_ in the course of all this. Can't he see each of us has suffered in our own way? I lost my family, my friends, the man I love…

"My dear, dear friend! Remus! It's never been an issue of trust between us! I couldn't tell you! I couldn't tell anyone! I had to pretend to be dead! Not just for my sake and Severus's, and Harry's of course, but for yours as well! If they'd got the slightest inkling that I was still alive…"

Remus engulfs me in a big, brotherly bear hug. I'm sure I hear him sniffing back tears.

"There, there, it's all right," he says softly. "I'm sorry. I don't know where all that came from. I'm sure you must have had your reasons, as Dumbledore did as well. But now's not the time to go over them I suppose. I'm here on a mission. We must get you back to Hogwarts."

In all the kerfuffle with the news Remus has brought with him, the reason for his visit hasn't really hit me until just now. Now it was sinking in. It was finally here: the day I was to return home. To my homeland. To Hogwarts. To Severus.

And Harry.

"You mentioned my nephew before, Remus. Do you know Harry?" I ask.

Remus nods. "Yes, I taught him, and we've become friendly. He's a good boy, Zannah. You would be proud."

It has to be pride then, that's causing this lump in my throat. Returning home means so much more that just seeing Severus. I'm realising how much I really want to meet my nephew.

"And Sev? Does he know Harry too? He must be so proud! How we doted on that boy! How it made us hope one day…"

My words fail. I remember the first time we saw baby Harry, when Lily laid him in my arms, and then in Sev's. Sev was beaming, gazing down at his nephew then looking up to me as if to say "I want one of these". I remember the discussions we had in our bed in the middle of the night, Sev talking of his dreams of giving his children the loving homelife he never had. And just at the time we felt perhaps we were ready to have our own...

I had forgotten I had asked Remus a question. He replies with an expression somehow akin to amusement.

"Yes, Severus has taught Harry Potions all his years at Hogwarts. I have to say though," he seems to be measuring his words, "that if Severus does have any fondness for Harry, Harry would be completely unaware of it."

"Does Harry like Severus?"

"Um, no."

"Oh," I hoped Severus wouldn't be taking that too hard. "Does Harry think Sev is a Death Eater."

Remus took a deep breath before saying, "Harry watched as Severus killed Dumbledore."

"Oh," I repeat. "Well, at least I suppose if Harry thinks that it means that Severus is playing his role well."

"Very well indeed," agreed Remus. "And now, what do you have to do to get ready?"

"Give me a few minutes to grab a couple of things," I say. There are certain items I wouldn't dream of leaving without. I climb the stairs to my little attic room and uncover an old chest I keep hidden under drapes up there. I draw out my wand to break the enchantment that's kept its contents safe all these years. For the first time in years I behold my most treasured possessions. My grandmother's ruby necklace. A photo of James, Lily and my baby nephew Harry in a silver frame. My wedding and engagement rings.

I then go to my bedroom to retrieve another treasure: a picture from Severus's and my wedding. I couldn't have lasted all these years with that locked away out of sight. How many lonely nights I took it out and wept as I watched us dance, so deliriously full of love we are completely unaware of the people gathered, watching us. So happy together. So unaware at how brief our time together would be, and what we would face so soon after. And suddenly, very soon I will be with Severus again. Our arms wrapped around each other, dancing, dancing.

I hurry down the stairs to Remus. He takes my hand and we are away.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thank you all so much for reading and for your reviews :) I really appreciate getting everyone's input.

Just one thing though; a couple of you have commented on how easily Remus gives up trying to convince Susannah not to trust Snape. Basically, that argument ain't over yet. There are too many other pressing issues to deal with (her not being dead, the need to get her back to Hogwarts) for him to start a debate with her here in any depth. I am planning for them to have a good chat about things over a bottle of wine in a future chapter though...

**Chapter 4: Severus Apologises**

"I'm sorry for the way I behaved towards you."

It was the evening of that same day in my fourth year at Hogwarts, and I had sought out a place to sit by myself to think things through. I felt very confused. Knowing my actions had pleased Dumbledore was reassuring, but didn't really put my mind at ease. Both my brother and Sirius had behaved abominably, there was no denying it. And yet I still loved them both. I could explain away my brother's actions as being motivated by a hormone-addled adolescent brain, made in the belief that a demonstration of his superiority to a boy he considered his rival would impress the girl of his fancy. Growing up as James's little sister meant that I was very familiar with his tendency to throw his weight around to prove who was the boss.

Anyway, James was my brother, and when it came down to it, blood was still thicker than water. I could forgive him almost anything. It was Sirius's behaviour that troubled me more. I had known Sirius all the years James had been at Hogwarts, and he had generally taken James's lead in how to relate to me. So for the most part he pretty much ignored me - unless he and James decided they needed someone to pick on, tease or in some other way, exploit. But during his most recent stay at my family home in the last school break, Sirius's treatment of me seemed changed. He tried to be friendly. He made an effort to smile and even tried to include me in some of their games. I was suspicious that perhaps these changes were leading up to the mother of all pranks or other humiliations at my expense, but no dastardly plot seemed forthcoming. So in the end I concluded he had simply decided to view me in the same way Remus always had; as kind of a 'kid sister' of whom you were fond and also slightly protective.

And then came the kiss.

One day we had all been romping around in field near our house. I found I couldn't keep up with the boys, and had sat myself down under a tree to catch my breath. Sirius had run past and spied me there. I saw him stop running, and then glance around, as if to see if anyone else were nearby. Then he came over. Propping himself against my tree with one arm out-stretched to support him, he stood looking down at me for a moment, still panting from his haste. I peered back at him quizzically, wondering when he was going to say something. Before I was even aware of his intention, he bent forward and I felt his lips press against mine. It all happened so quickly, and I was too stunned to react or speak. He paused and examined my face, as if gauging what I thought of what he just did. Apparently, he was happy with what he read in my expression, because before he ran off again, he reached forward and gently stroked my cheek, then, with a parting wink, said, "Just between you and me, eh?".

The next time we found ourselves alone, he took the opportunity to try again. This time I kissed him back. He seemed to like that. Nothing had happened since we'd come back to school, but I at least lived in anticipation of finding out what would happen the next time a similar circumstance arose...

I hadn't even begun to contemplate what I thought about Severus Snape when those words of apology shook me out of my revelry. I turned to see a contrite-looking Severus standing beside me. His gaze was downturned and he shuffled his feet nervously. I could tell he was forcing himself to do this. What I couldn't tell for sure was if he was apologising because that was what Dumbledore had told him he should do, or because he actually felt remorse and wanted to set things straight.

It was clear though, that he wasn't simply going to go away.

"May I?" he asked, peering through the strands of hair that hung over his face, and gesturing at a space on the bench on which I sat.

"Sure," was all I could think of to say.

We sat there together in uncomfortable silence.

"So," he said eventually. "Are you prepared to forgive me?"

"Yes, of course." What else was there I could say? And anyway, I was telling the truth. I felt no hard feelings towards him. Even if I didn't quite understand what he was all about.

My answer in the affirmative put Severus more at ease, and his tongue was somewhat loosened.

"I've already apologised to Lily," he blurted. "Luckily, she forgives me too, though I have to say, she was harder to bring around than you were. But we've known each other a long time, and she has no problem getting really angry with me. She knows I'll forgive her just as she will likely always forgive me."

I said nothing_. Boy, he sure does like Lily_, I thought to myself. I responded with a simple nod.

"Say," he went on, "um, maybe you would like to hang around with me and Lily some time? That is, if you don't mind hanging out with the enemy. A Slytherin, I mean."

Something about the way one side of his mouth curled as he spoke implied that he was joking as he said this. But I couldn't be sure.

"I don't see you like that at all," I was quick to rebuke. "And I'd like to hang around with you both very much."

"You are in Gryffindor too, aren't you? I presumed you were, because of your, um, brother. Say, he won't get upset if we're friends, will he? He wouldn't forbid it?"

One of my eyebrows shot upward. "I'd like to see him try," I grinned.

Severus grinned too. "I think I'd like to see that too," he said. "But now it's starting to get cold. You'd better go inside. Come, I'll walk you back."

So Severus and I started off together towards the Gryffindor domitaries. When we reached the point where we were as close to the dorms as a Slytherin dare to venture, he stopped and we said goodbye.

"By the way," he said before he left. "Do you know what your name means?"

The meaning of my name was no mystery to me, so I knew where this was heading. But nevertheless I answered politely.

"No, tell me."

"That kind of thing interests me, so I thought I'd look it up," he explained. "It means 'a lily'. That's quite a coincidence isn't it? So, it's like you're a second lily."

I wondered if he said this trying to impress me. It didn't. All I heard was his making it clear I would always be second best.

"Very interesting," I said, turning abruptly. I'd had as much as I could take tonight. "Well, good night!" I started towards the dorm without even looking back.

"See you," I heard him call after me.

I went to bed that night with my thoughts even more confused than before. Should I be flattered by that encounter or not? Severus was apparently interested enough in me to look up what my name meant. But at the same time, his thoughts were clearly preoccupied with someone else. Someone older and more mature. He probably saw me as little more than a child. On the other hand, he genuinely seemed keen to be my friend. That was something. I knew all I could do was see what would happen from here.

And there was always Sirius...


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Arrival**

I can hardly believe I'm at Hogwarts again.

Even though I've not walked these hallowed halls in over a decade, every step of it is so familiar to me. The school, though, is eerily quiet compared to the usual echoing of the sounds of school day activity through its corridors and rooms. The sounds of children talking and laughing, of books or bags slapping against the stone flags of the floors, the raised voice of a teacher ordering some over-excited student to please slow down.

I start to wonder why there are none of these activities taking place. Surely there are still a few more weeks of the school year left? And then it registers. The events of yesterday have meant that all of the students have been sent home. Not just in honour of the falling of the school's headmaster and leader of their fight for freedom, but probably for their own safety.

All the parents who fear the Death Eaters want their babies at home, safe in the family bosom.

Remus and I move deliberately along. We do not make conversation as we go. We have had our fond reunion. There is no time to answer the never-ending lists of deeper questions we have for each other now. Remus was sent to get me for a purpose. There is nothing we can say until we are clear what that purpose is.

I had presumed we were headed to Dumbledore's office: the usual venue for meetings of great import. But the turn Remus takes is leading us in a different direction. I ask no questions, I simply continue to follow.

I can't really think of anyone else in the world in whom I'd so blindly put my trust as I am right now with Remus. Severus perhaps? Or my godfather…

Then like a blow to stomach, the realisation hits me. My godfather, a figure so central to my experience of this place, whom I am expecting to see appearing as I turn each corner, is dead. I will never, ever see him, laugh with him, seek his wise counsel, again.

And they have called me here hoping that I will step into his shoes. But how could I ever measure up to such a man?

I suddenly feel very vulnerable and alone. I quicken my pace and slide my hand into Remus's. He takes hold of it like he's never going to let it go.

We march on together, wordlessly. It dawns on me just how much I love Remus. I know he too is mourning Dumbledore. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy (and possibly putting myself and everyone else at risk) for trusting Severus. And I'm sure he's worrying about what future horrors await us. And yet, he remains steadfast; gripping my hand, offering me the boost of strength I need to confront whatever it is we march towards.

And then we arrive at a room I recognise from what seems like very long ago. It's the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

Steeling himself with a deep breath, and still clutching my hand, Remus knocks with his free hand on the door.

We wait for it to open.

Soon it does, and a wizard tentatively pokes his head around it, not opening the door until he's sure who's on the other side is friend not foe.

I recognise the wizard at once as Arthur Weasley.

He looks at me as if he's just seen a ghost. Which is probably exactly what he is thinking, seeing me standing there alive and well years after I have supposedly died.

"Susannah Potter," he mutters disbelievingly. "I hardly know what to say."

He apparently hardly knows what to do either, as he stands there staring for another few seconds before coming to his senses and extending a hand for me to shake.

His wife, Molly, always a open, friendly woman, is more forthcoming. She rustles over to me, beaming, and engulfs me in a hug. I think I spy a tear in her eye.

"Zannah, dear," she says, releasing me and giving me the once over, as if I were a child.

"Molly! How are all of your children?"

"Children no more!" she replies. "Well, Ginny, my youngest and Ron still are. Not that there's much time for childhood in these times."

"How about you?" Arthur chimes in. "You've been away a long time. Any family? Boyfriends?"

Molly gives Arthur a swift elbow to the ribs. I fully expected I'd have to defend Severus, but I really didn't expect this passive-agression towards my husband to start quite this soon.

"Any family I have is here, Arthur," I reply calmly. I hold no malice towards him. It's the reaction I expect.

The risk of anything further being said on this subject is quashed by an attention-grapping 'a-hem' from further into the room. I see the form of an older witch slowly rising out of her chair. It takes me a moment to recognise it as Minerva McGonagall. I'm slightly taken aback a how old she seems. She doesn't appear to have aged as such, but she moves towards me with at the pace of an elderly crone. And then I see the expression on her face and realise just how enormous the burden that has so recently landed on her shoulders must be to carry.

"Susannah," she says, pursing her lips to deliver an air kiss as she primly pats me on each shoulder.

"Professor," I say, managing to actually land a kiss on her wrinkled cheek. The gesture seems to move her, as I'm sure I hear a faint sniffle.

"Now," the Professor extends her arm to indicate to me where we will seat ourselves, "Come, let's have some refreshment. You must be tired after such a long journey and…Remus did explain to you what's happened?"

"Yes, he told me about…" I find myself unable to say 'Uncle Albus'. He may be dead, and the need for maintaining a student / teacher relationship long past, but this is still Hogwarts, and as they say, old habits die hard.

_He so should be here! _I find myself thinking. _He is – was - Hogwarts!_

Professor McGonagall reaches across and pats my knee. "There, there," she says briskly. "It must be a shock. It's been a shock to all of us."

The professor grabs a biscuit from the plate on the table in front of us and chews at it ferociously, as if channelling all her grief and anger at what's happened into it so she can go on with what she needs to say without breaking down.

After a few more chews, she is apparently able to continue. "I'm sure Remus took good care of you," she nods in his direction in recognition of his efforts. "He didn't realise you were still, with us, until…now. I myself didn't realise that until then either."

At this point, the professor produces a scroll from under her cloak. It appears well covered in writing. I recognise the scribbled hand of my godfather.

"A certain phoenix delivered this to me as soon as... _it_ happened," she explains, unrolling it and apparently skimming over it again. "In it, Albus explains many things, things hitherto even I have not been aware of. You, Susannah, can probably guess at a few of them."

"I assume my whereabouts were mentioned," I say. "And I hope it might say a thing or two about Severus in there as well."

Remus, Molly and Arthur have up until this point adopted the attitude of letting the Professor and me have a chat between ourselves and maintained a distance. But at the appearance of the parchment, they seem to have moved in closer and be very attentive.

"It does indeed," the Professor sighs. She removes the glasses through which she was reading and rubs her eyes. "It says that Severus Snape killed Dumbledore under Dumbledore's own instruction."

There is a degree of commotion amongst the three observers to this discussion. Remus looks as if he's about to say something, then shakes his head and snaps his mouth shut.

Arthur says, "This all seems a bit too convenient for Severus, don't you think? We know he's well versed in the Dark Arts, and has associates even more knowledgeable. Could the document have been forged by Snape or even…?"

He was cut off by a dismissive wave of the Professor's hand. "While it's true we humans are gullible and can make errors of judgment, most magical creatures know better. Do you really think a loyal, intelligent bird like Fawkes could make such a mistake? Would he not recognise the work of his old friend? Arthur, I naturally had doubts myself, but from every aspect from which this missive could be judged - the style, the content and the method of its delivery - I am certain that these are the words of Dumbledore and that they outline the route we must from now on follow."

"So can you give us any idea then just what this route might be, Minerva?" asks Remus.

She sighed. "The details will need to be discussed, of course, once others have looked over this document in detail. But Albus was adamant about the first couple of steps. The first was to retrieve Susannah, because we will need her. He said keep her here at Hogwarts, because this is where she will be safest. More about that, I think we can discuss a bit later, as I know we must all be tired. The second…ah, Arthur, was that a knock at the door? Can you open it? Thank you…"

Arthur clearly doesn't want to move and miss anything, but he slowly and reluctantly makes his way to the door.

"The next thing," says Minerva, suddenly speaking with more haste, "was to reunite Susannah with her husband, who, I believe, is now standing at the other side of this door."

I jump up from my chair and look to the door, which a bewildered Arthur is half-afraid now to open. But he overcomes his fear.

And standing in the open doorway, gazing straight back at me, as if there were no one else in the room, with his jaw dropped and a look of utter confusion and disbelief at what he is seeing, is the man I swore to forsake all other others for, and to honour and cherish always. Slightly older and wearing the pain of the years, probably including the events of the last twenty-four hours, clearly on his face. But still recognisably him.

And neither of us seem quite able to move or speak.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: An Earlier Trio**

Severus and I sat together under a tree, waiting for my brother James to finish saying his farewells to Lily. Perhaps 'saying' wasn't quite the right word. What was happening was, shall we say, more physical than that. We had presumed they would be conscious that we were waiting and part quickly, but five minutes had passed, and they weren't showing any signs of stopping. We tried to avert our eyes and discuss the weather, but every little groan and sigh drew our attention back to the young lovers. Nothing, it seemed, was working as an adequate distraction.

Lily, Severus and I had been a group ever since that day I had set Severus free of James's spell. We passed most of our downtime at school together, and I often came to stay with Lily during the holidays, so the three of us hung out then too. This was one of those occasions. James was present in a big brotherly role, acting as my escort to Lily's house. He manfully took this responsibility to spare my parents having to make the trip. It must be said though, that as soon we got there and he saw Lily, I was pretty much forgotten. But nevertheless, this excuse had served him very well.

Maybe using a situation to our own advantage was a family trait, because while James pawed Lily, and I sat beside Severus, I let my mind play with the idea of how it would be if Sev and I were indulging in those same activities. But any plans I might hatch had much less chance of becoming reality than James's. Sev and I had been good friends for two years now, and still my hope of our friendship turning romantic showed no signs of coming to pass. He and I enjoyed lively and involved discussions on many topics; books we read, history, politics and even his latest mania: Dark Magic. He always appeared keen to hear to my opinion, and would challenge me when he felt I was wrong, or graciously concede defeat when I won an argument. He never made me feel like I was any less than him or Lily because I was that bit younger, and a year behind in my education.

So why then, I often asked myself, if he did not see me as a child, could he not see me as a woman? And just say he did, would it be that impossible to imagine that he might be attracted to me? I had to wonder if Lily's hold on him was still so strong that the other girl closest to him, his 'second lily', simply couldn't compete.

These thoughts soon extinguished the flames of my fantasy. And so we sat the way that close friends of almost two years did when one of their company was farewelling their boyfriend, and made harmless small talk.

It was when we saw that James's hand had made its way underneath Lily's shirt that Severus finally said, "Shall we move?"

I nodded and we shifted ourselves to another tree.

It took a few minutes for either us to feel much like talking. We each had our own reasons for finding being witnesses to Lily and James's snogging distressing. For me, well, no one really likes to watch their big brother getting it on with someone. And then there were my unrequited feelings for Severus.

The reason for Severus's discomfort, I couldn't be too sure of. All the evidence pointed to it being caused by feelings of jealousy. It was clear that if Lily had ever had an interest in Severus, it was long forgotten. She and James were very much a couple.

I didn't like to think of Severus suffering like this. I wished he would open up to me.

The silence had gone on too long. I had to say something. So I threw caution to the wind.

"Sev," I said, casually plucking a few grass seeds from the folds of my skirt as I spoke. "Were you ever in love with Lily?"

As he had matured Severus had developed a more and more laconic and detached way of interacting, as if nothing ever bothered him. But I saw his eyes flash at my question. But only for a second. Then he sighed, and replied quite calmly.

"I once thought I was. Or at least, I had this fancy that she and I would get married when we grew up." He snorted here at what I assumed he saw as his own stupidity. "But over these few years, I've come to realise that there's a difference between loving a friend and being in love."

Something about the way he said that, possibly his tone or perhaps the shy, sideways look he gave me as he spoke, made me utterly unable to turn to face him. I felt the colour rising in my cheeks. As I continued trying to look nonplused by picking at the grass seeds on my skirt, I sensed he had turned to observe me. My cheeks grew redder with the heat of his gaze. I couldn't help myself, I had to look up to get a glimpse of his eyes, to see exactly what was going on with him. And something in his eyes offered me the briefest taste of the passion that lay bubbling under the surface of that cool facade. Where had he learnt to feel so intensely? I couldn't help but envy the woman who had stirred that up in him. I wondered, if it wasn't Lily, who it was?

_If this were in a book_, I thought to myself, _this is the moment when he'd say "who am I kidding? It's you Zannah, it's always been you! Make love to me…"_ but it wasn't. It was real life, so I mutely nodded and let him keep talking.

"How about you, Zannah?" I heard him say. "Have you ever been in love?"

I could almost have imagined there was some significance behind those words, like my answer really mattered to him. But he never got to hear it. It was at that point that Lily returned.

"Sorry about that," she said, squeezing herself in between us. "James and I were just…"

"We know what you and James were doing!" I laughed. "Didn't you realise we could see you?"

It was Lily's turn to blush. "Oh, I'm sorry! We didn't…"

"Don't worry about it," said Severus dismissively. "We're all adults here." Here he smiled at me. I had recently turned sixteen, and somehow this made me feel less out of step with my own and James's friends. I guess Severus had sensed this.

"Anyway, shall we go sit by the pond?" suggested Lily.

"You know Zannah and I will do whatever you say," smirked Severus. "You're the boss. Isn't she Zannah?"

"No doubt about it," I agreed.

"Why do I feel like I'm being ganged up on then?" laughed Lily.

The three of us passed a couple of hours pleasantly together. There was a special joy in being able to spend time with friends without the restrictions of school hanging over you. But the afternoon was soon over.

"Come on Zannah, it's dinner time and we'd better get back home," said Lily. "Will we see you tomorrow, Sev?"

"Of course," he smiled. "Night Lily. Zannah."

"Good night," we said. And we parted company with him for the day.

In Lily's room later that night, she and I talked and talked, confiding our innermost secrets, the way teenage girls so often do. In the course of our confessions, I told her about how, on my sixteenth birthday, I'd lost my virginity to Sirius Black.

He, Remus and Peter had been staying over, the way they always did. We had shared stolen moments of passion during this visit. And each time we did, things seemed to go further and further.

Then Sirius had come to my room after everyone else was in bed.

I was lying in my bed, not yet asleep, when I heard a gentle tapping at my door. It opened, and Sirius poked his head around it.

"You decent?" he whispered loudly.

"Shh! Someone will hear you!" I replied.

"I'd best come in then," he said, carefully drawing the door shut behind him. As he approached my bed, I saw he was holding two glasses and what appeared to be a bottle of wine.

"I have a special sixteenth birthday present for you," he said, sitting on the edge of my bed. It was a warmish night and I had very little on. I pulled the bedclothes up as high as I could.

He poured wine into each of the glasses.

"Sirius, I may have turned sixteen but I'm not old enough to drink!" I protested in as loud a whisper as I felt wise.

"Shh! You'll wake someone up. It's only one glass Zannah. Here, move over…"

He lifted up the sheet and tried to climb under the covers with me. I didn't really mind, but I was determined to make a show of how I wasn't as easy as he might think.

"Oh, come on! he scoffed. "Don't go all coy on me now! You were just as keen as I was earlier!"

"I was," I conceded. "but we weren't actually, um, alone and in a bed then."

My hesitation worried him and his expression turned solemn.

"Zannah," he said softly. "You know I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to do, don't you?"

I couldn't find it in me to speak. I nodded. I felt his thumb stroke my lips.

"You're calling the shots here, honey. It's your birthday. Just let me say this." Here, for a tantalising second, he brought his lips close enough to brush against mine. "I'm willing to take this as far as you want to."

This time my lips rose to meet his. I moved back the bedclothes and he lay down in the bed beside me. The wine remained, forgotten and undrunk, on my bedside table...

Lily's reaction wasn't quite what I expected. I was pretty sure she and James would have 'done it' by this stage of their relationship, so I felt she would relate to what I was saying. Instead, she seemed horrified.

"Oh, Zannah!" she said. "That's an awfully big step.."

"I suppose," I agreed. "But I am sixteen. And Sirius is…"

"Oh Sirius _is_ all right! I mean…um, are you in love with him, Zannah?"

I answered carefully. "I've known him a long time, I guess, and I like him a lot."

"But do you love him?"

"No, I don't think I do."

"Good," replied Lily. "Because, oh how do I put this? I don't know if you know, but there are…others.."

"I've seen the way he is around girls. I suppose he's done this with them too." This idea was new to me. I didn't exactly like it.

"Possibly," said Lily, though I'm sure she knew full well that he had. "Look, Susannah, it's not that I don't like Sirius, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm ok," I said. "And please don't say anything about this to James."

The incredulous expression on Lily's face was all I needed as a promise from her. It told me there was no way she wanted to be the one to reveal to James that his best friend had deflowered his little sister right under his very nose.

"I won't, don't worry."

"I want to keep this just between you and me."

"Sure. Say, you haven't said anything to Severus have you?"

"No!" I replied, almost too forcefully. Heaven forbid he find out! "I wasn't intending to."

"Good. Don't."

"Why not?"

"It's something he really doesn't need to know."

I had absolutely no desire to the love of my life that I had had sex with someone I was kind of chummy with just to see what it was like, and because it might be fun. But why Lily was so adamant I not tell Severus, I really couldn't imagine.

"Do you think he ever...?"

"Who? Sev?"

"Uh hu."

"Um, yes, he has."

This revelation upset me.

"With you?" I asked her sulkily.

Lily laughed. "Oh, lord no! But sorry, Zannah, that one's Severus's secret, not mine. I really shouldn't have said anything."

"I won't mention it to him."

"Thanks Zannah. Let's sleep now, eh?"

"Ok, good night, Lily."

"Night, you little trollop!"

I took a swipe at Lily with my pillow, and then we turned out the light.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Remember, reviews are always welcome :)

**Chapter 7: The Reunion**

"Severus, I think you'd better come in," we hear Professor McGonagall say.

Severus apparently registers her words because he steps through the door and enters the room, slowly and cautiously, his wand held at the ready. His eyes remain fixed on me. He tilts his head to the side at the sound of the door shutting behind him. His reflexes are sprung, waiting to react should someone pounce.

I realise everyone has wands drawn except Professor McGonagall and me. I am not about to act defensively. I don't feel threatened anyway, not by Severus. The problem at hand is getting him to trust me.

Then he speaks. "Minerva, you summoned me here, and as a show of good faith, I have come. But it appears I have walked straight into the lion's den. Your goons are not making me feel very welcome. Are they going to kill me? If so, make them do it now! Let me die, before I'm certain the sweet apparition before me is not really her! I know I don't deserve mercy or forgiveness after what I've done. I am ready for death. Let me die with the vision of her in my sights."

"No one is going to kill you, Severus," she reassures him. "And I swear to you, this is no illusion. Susannah has come home."

"You mean to torture me then!" he scours, moving closer to me. "Lumos!" he says, and his wand is alight. He manoeuvres it as if it were a candle, holding it up to me to check me over more closely.

"Who or what are you?" he says, his voice monotonous and even as he moves the light up and down, examining my face and my body, searching for the flaw that will give my disingenuousness away. "Are you flesh and blood? Or are you a phantom conjured up to lure me here so the Order of the Phoenix can extract their vengeance for the death of their leader? I know, one of the Order has taken a Polyjuice potion! But then, from where would you have retrieved something belonging to my Susannah? Don't tell me…don't tell me she has died!"

His proximity to me is making Remus very twitchy. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him edging closer. I need to get this resolved before someone overreacts.

"Severus," I whisper.

He flinches as I speak. Perhaps up until that moment he didn't think I was capable of animation. Or maybe it's the sound of my voice. A proof that it's actually me.

His own voice becomes loudly and more insistent. "I repeat! Who or what are you!?" He clutches his wand so tightly his knuckles whiten.

Remus, Molly and Arthur start to circle around. The Professor is still showing no inclination to take any action. She is resolute in her loyalty to and faith in Dumbledore. She continues to trust in Severus's underlying goodness. And, possibly, in my ability to look after myself.

Severus's wand is intimidatingly close, but I will not recoil. My speech is steady.

"I am your wife," I tell him.

"How can you say that to me?" he demands through clenched teeth. He has just about reached the limit of his control. "My wife is…"

"Here, my love," I say gently. "Your wife is here!"

He shakes his head, "NO! I don't believe…you can't…"

My self-appointed defenders edge closer. I hold up my hand to halt their approach.

"Look," I indicate a small black purse I am wearing at my waist. I don't dare touch it myself, because I know he'll assume it contains a magical powder or object that I could use against him. "Open it. See."

He grabs at the purse, ripping the velvet ribbons as he frees it from my belt. He gives is a shake, and hears a metallic tinkling sound. He's still wary and unwilling to lower his wand, so he bites at the broken ribbons and tears the bag open with his teeth. I hold out my palm so that he might lay its contents on my hand.

I become hopeful he is starting to trust me. He shakes the purse out into my palm. His eyes flash at the sight of my wedding and engagement rings.

I can see he recognises them at once. He stares down at them, reaches up his hand and loosens the button at his collar. From around his neck he pulls out a gold chain, which he snaps as he jerks it from his neck. I catch his wedding ring as it falls, and it lands in my palm, safely beside mine.

He snatches them from me. He gasps in disbelief as the newly reunited rings set off a vibration in his hand. He looks first at them, then searching into my eyes.

"Where did you get these?" he asks, unable to muster the strength to rage against me anymore, but not yet ready to yield.

"They are mine," I reply. "You gave them to me. One when we you asked me to marry you. The other you placed on my finger on our wedding day. You remember. May I..?"

I reach to take a ring from his hands. He doesn't resist. He opens his hand and lets me. The ring I choose is his. He does nothing to stop me as I take hold of his left hand and spread apart his fingers.

I look straight at him as I slide the ring on his third finger. Once it's there, he pulls his hand sharply away and rubs the ring on it. I fear for a second that he is about to tear it from his finger, but he doesn't. He knows it's right. He knows only I could place it on his finger so it could feel that way. He is surrendering.

"Zannah," he whispers, "Is it really you?"

"Oh, Severus," I say, "You of all people know that I didn't die. Why's it so hard to believe I'm me?"

He hesitates for just a moment, then takes my hand and places first my wedding and then my engagement rings on my finger. I wonder if everyone else in the room is feeling that same sense of deja vu that I am. They were all present at our wedding, although even back then everyone questioned my choice of husband.

And the space between us closes. I couldn't even tell you which one of us moved first, but once the process is started, it's as if we can't get to each other quickly enough. In what seems like a matter of seconds I feel my husband's arms around me, almost crushing me they are grasping me so tightly. In equal desperation, I cling to him.

I'm vaguely aware that Professor McGonagall is gesturing for the others to lower their wands. But soon it is like Severus and I are the only two people in the room. I am about the height of his shoulder, and he presses my face into it, kissing and running his hands through the increasingly loose locks of my hair. I catch the odd word he says, ("thank god", "oh my love") uttered half under his breath like prayers. I utter my own prayer too: that we never have to be separated again.

We move apart and I gaze up at him, my hands on each of his cheeks. He doesn't want to look me in the eye. To ask 'what's wrong?' seems inadequate in the circumstances. But I don't need to ask, as he opens his mouth to speak.

"It happened, Susannah. I killed him, I killed…"

"Hush, I know."

"And he was…he was family to us. He gave me your hand when…"

"I remember, my love. But listen to me! You did what you had to do, what he instructed you to do…"

"Every time I close my eyes, I see him standing there. Watching me. Encouraging me. Telling me not to weaken…"

"And you didn't. You weren't weak, my darling. You never have been…"

It's then that he falls to his knees and buries his head in my bosom. And weeps and weeps and weeps.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Date**

I completed my studies at Hogwarts the year after most of my friends. This worked well for me, because it meant I could really concentrate on my studies. And so I ended up finishing top of my year.

My favourite class by far was Defence Against the Dark Arts, and my coming first in that entitled me to a scholarship for a extra, specialised year of study in this subject. Severus had come first in this subject in his year, and had earned the same scholarship. However, his parents had refused to support him beyond his years at Hogwarts, so he had delayed his studies a year in order to earn some money to support himself. This meant he and I would be undertaking our studies at the same time.

I was determined not to be moping over Severus until our studies commenced and we were together again. So I maintained an active social life. Sirius and I had continued our affair. I had a lot of fun with Sirius. We had a very lighthearted, easy going relationship, and I was always aware there were other girls in his life. Our physical relationship was all about having a good time. And we did. And those times he made himself busy with other girls, I busied myself with other boyfriends.

Once the study year commenced, Severus and I began seeing each other virtually every day again. We often met for lunch or sat in classes together. And for what seemed to be for me a very long time, the relationship stayed as it always had been: intimate on an intellectual level, but chaste in every other respect...

I loved Severus. I really only wanted to be with him. But the thought that he had no interest in me beyond friendship continued to plague me. I had hoped once the daily temptation of Lily was removed, our relationship might blossom into something more. But it didn't. And because of this, when other boys we studied with asked me out, I decided it was better to accept their invitation than to sit at home fretting.

One day, a fellow student I had gone out with the preceding weekend grabbed me by the hand and playfully whisked me into a lane way, where we started to kiss.

This would have been harmless fun had Severus not entered at the other end of the same lane way without us seeing him. Until it was too late. I pushed my companion away, but the damage was done. Severus turned and stormed out from whence he came.

I ran after him.

"Severus, wait!"

He halted in his tracks. "Yes," he intoned blankly, not turning around to face me. "What do you want?"

"I want to..." I cut myself off because I realised I had nothing to say. I couldn't apologise to a man for my infidelity when he was theoretically nothing more to me than a friend.

Severus turned around. "If you were planning to explain, there's really no need. I suppose I should probably be apologising to _you_ for interrupting you and your...beau."

His icy tone sliced right through me.

"He's not my beau!" I protested. "He's just a friend..."

"A 'friend'," quoted Severus. "I see. Well, I thought I was your friend, but I have to say you've never greeted me with such…enthusiasm. I've noted you have quite a few 'friends' on campus. But obviously I lack something they all have. What is it? Aren't I handsome enough for you? Not rich enough? Not special enough for the Superwitch, Dumbledore's adored goddaughter? Please! Do enlighten me!"

Again he spun around to leave. And again I stopped him, this time by grabbing his arm. I couldn't let him leave thinking this was how I saw him.

"Severus," I said pleading. "Surely you must know you mean more to me than any of them?"

"How would I know that?" he enquired coldly. "For instance, when have you ever donated one of your precious Saturday nights to me?"

"Well, when have you ever asked me to?" I countered.

This stumped him for a moment.

"All right then," he said. "Are you free this Saturday night?"

"I am," I lied, but the plans I had suddenly held no appeal for me.

"Well then, Susannah Potter, would you like to have dinner with me this Saturday?"

"I would love to," I replied.

"Good," he said. And then he walked away before we'd even named a time and place.

We met up the following Saturday. During the meal our conversation stayed on safe topics such as our studies, which, although they often lead us into lively debate, kept us clear of the sticky topic of the significance of what the evening meant to our relationship. So in terms of how we interacted, it was an enjoyable evening.

The worst part of the meal was undoubtably the food. Severus had insisted on financing the night (in spite of all my protests) and we'd ended up selecting something in accordance with his meagre budget. I didn't really care, I was just happy to be with him. He, however, was taking it all very much to heart.

Once we left the restaurant, he grew sullen and withdrawn.

"A penny for them," I said as we walked along.

Severus sighed. "The food was horrible, wasn't it?"

"Yes," I couldn't help but agree.

"And the atmosphere wasn't anything to rave about either."

"No."

"This really hasn't been much of a night then, has it? I'm sorry, Susannah."

I slipped my arm through his to reassure him. "Don't be. I've enjoyed it. All I really cared about was the company."

He almost managed a smile. "Me too," he said.

"Your company," I reiterated. I hoped underlining this point might cheer him, but Severus was apparently still determined to feel inadequate.

"I suppose it's late and you want to go home," he said dully.

"But I haven't seen your flat yet," I protested.

Severus stopped walking. "Do you want to?" he asked, with renewed hopefulness in his expression.

"Very much," I replied.

My enthusiasm seemed to boost Severus's confidence. With just a hint of trepidation, he raised his hand to my face and gently brushed the back of it against my cheek. My entire body began to tingle with a sense of anticipation.

And everything else around us seemed strangely silent. All I could hear was the two of us breathing; slowly, deliberately.

He drew me closer to him and brought his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and let my senses revel in the moment I had yearned for all these years.

When the kiss had ended, we stood and looked at each other, both slightly shy and self-conscious. But luckily Severus's nerve was holding.

"Come on then, let's go," he said quietly, once again extending his hand to me. And the two of us set off into the night.

Severus held my hand all the way home. We didn't really say much during that walk, but I got the impression that he was as bursting with happiness as I was. All of the people who liked to describe him as 'morose' would have had difficulty recognising him.

We soon arrived at the rather dingy looking building he had been calling home since his departure from Hogwarts. His room was in the attic. It wasn't the nicest neighbourhood and I was very relieved when we shut the door behind us.

His room was very cramped. There was a small stove in the corner, a largish table with a lamp, bottles, herbs and quills in a mess all over it. Books were placed in stacks on the floor.

"Where do you sleep?" I asked him.

"The sofa folds out into a bed," he replied. "But most nights I don't bother setting it up and just sleep on the sofa."

He walked over to the sofa and hastily removed what were apparently last night's bed coverings out of the way.

"Would you like to sit down?"

"Yes, thanks," I replied. I instinctively brushed the seat before I sat.

"Sorry," Severus mumbled, his nervousness returning. "I know it's not much. Maybe I shouldn't have brought you here."

"Really, it's fine!" I insisted. I jumped up from the sofa and grabbed both Severus's hands. "Here," I said pulling him down to sit beside me. "Sit with me."

He obliged, holding tightly to my hands.

And there the two of us sat; neither of us quite knowing what to do next.

"We should do this more often," I said eventually.

"Yes," he concurred. "It's so good to spend time with you again. I've missed the bond we had at Hogwarts."

"Me too," I agreed.

The situation was beginning to frustrate me. I knew damn well if I were here with the likes of Sirius, we'd be well on our way to second base by now. Here I was, alone with the man I believed fate had intended to be my soul mate, and I couldn't utter a sensible word or take a decisive action.

I could see poor Severus felt as uncomfortable as I did. The confidence that had led to that kiss seemed all but gone. I realised at last that all the time I had wanted Severus, he had probably felt the same way about me. The strict boundary of friendship he upheld between us wasn't due to lack of interest, it was from fear of being rejected. We knew there could be a lot to gain, but there was equally everything to lose.

He had been the brave one before. Now it was my turn. I gently pulled one of my hands free of his.

Initially, he panicked. "Do you want to go now? I suppose I'd better walk you…"

"No, I don't want to go anyway," I reassured him, shifting myself so I had one leg bent under me, enabling me to turn my body more towards his.

He regarded me quizzically, not seeming displeased by this development.

"So what do you want then, Susannah?" I heard him saying.

I shifted myself forward. My face was so close to his it was like I was drawing the breath straight from his mouth.

"I want you, Severus," I whispered.

He made a nervous sound, somewhere between a gulp and a laugh.

"Oh, I want you too," he whispered back.

Our eyes met and for the second time that evening we came together in a kiss. Soon we were reclined together on the sofa, our hands, mouths and bodies generally becoming more adventurous, our touches more urgent.

_I can't believe it,_ I thought to myself. _Severus and I are finally going to__ make love..._

And then Severus sat up.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Maybe we should stop now..."

"Why?"

"Don't you think it's moving too fast? Maybe we shouldn't rush things?"

"Rush things!" I repeated incredulously. "Severus Snape! How long have we known each other?"

"About four years…"

"Isn't that long enough? Or aren't you sure you want me?" His hesitation brought all memories of our history together flooding back to me: my insecurities about his feelings for Lily, my fear that he would never feel for me what I felt for him. I think I even felt my lip tremble.

This manifestation of my insecurity seemed to move Severus. He took my chin in his hand and gently angled my head to look at him, as if he wanted to certain that I heard and understood every word he was about to say.

"Susannah, darling. Believe me, I want you! You have no idea how much I want you. I want you to the point of distraction. I've wanted you ever since… well, ever since you've been old enough for me to think of you that way."

My own desire surged. I doubt any aphrodisiac could have had as powerful an effect on me as hearing Severus confess this to me after all this time. The heady sensations this created meant that I was not at my most eloquent when I replied.

"Well, I want you too, just as much."

I watched as his eyes fell for just a second to my lips, as if the thought of kissing them was becoming his preoccupation. But yet, he did not. Control and precision were Severus's watchwords. No matter how great the temptation, he would never budge until he was completely certain it was the right thing to do. And he wasn't quite there yet.

"You're still so young, Susannah…"

"A single year younger than you, Severus. I'm nearly 18."

"Have you, um, done this before?"

"Yes," I confessed. I was hoping he wasn't about to ask me "with whom?". So before he could, I said, "Have you?"

"Yes," he replied. "But this is so… this is different. I don't want this to just happen and that be it for us. You know what I'm saying?"

"I do," I said. "I don't want that either."

He nodded. "All right, then," he said.

The cards were all on the table now. We both knew what we wanted, and were finally convinced that the other person did too. Severus drew me close to him and started to kiss me again. But not with the desperate haste of our earlier caresses. Lightly and almost teasingly at first, then with more conviction; deeply, tenderly and purposefully.

"Maybe we should fold out the bed," Severus breathed as he traced the length of my neck with his lips.

"Good idea," I said. We rolled off the sofa and I watched as Severus fumbled with the bed. Clearly, he didn't often bother to set it up to sleep in, because he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. After a third attempt at trying to straighten out the base, I tapped him on the shoulder and gently pushed him to the side.

"Allow me," I said, pulling out my wand. Voila! The bed was not only set up but made and ready for us to climb in.

"Magic!" chuckled Severus. "Now why didn't I think of that!"

We climbed into the bed together, shedding our clothes as we went.

"God, you're perfect," he muttered. "Even more so than I could ever have imagined."

I had been in situations like this before, but I had never wanted to entwine myself so completely with someone. This went beyond union in a physical sense. It felt almost sacramental. I wanted to completely lose myself in him, to give and share pleasure until our bodies were melded together into a single entity.

"Oh Severus," I murmured, any embarrassment or reservations I may have had about the strength of my feelings for him being lost in the sensations of the moment. "I wish I could stay in your bed forever."

"Oh, my darling," Severus replied, his voice hoarse with passion. "You'd be more than welcome."

And then we were done with words. It was like we were dissolving together with pleasure, surrendering ourselves to each other, body, heart and soul.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Alone**

I can hardly believe I am holding Severus again. Though I must say that this is not the fairytale reunion I envisioned. I expected tears, but they were tears of joy. But we are together, that's the main thing. I never want to part from him again.

Then I hear Professor McGonagall cough.

I look up over Severus's head, jolted back to the reality that there are other people with us in this room. And every one of them is looking uncomfortable. I start to wonder how I can tactfully remind Severus that we are not alone.

Fortunately, Professor McGonagall's cough has already done the trick. Severus climbs to his feet, giving his face a violent wiping over with his sleeve as he does. I slip my arm around his waist, and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. There's an air of defiance in our stance. Like it's him and me against the world.

The Professor smiles to show she has not interrupted us through lack of sympathy. This is just her gentle way of telling us that now is not the time for this. I am coming to admire this woman more and more. She is completely in control of the situation, carrying out her role as Dumbledore's representative with aplomb.

Everyone in the room is at her command.

"Susannah, dear, perhaps it's best we take a break now until morning?" she suggests.

I nod in agreement. I so want to be alone with my husband.

The Professor continues, "Through that door on the other side of the classroom is the teacher's quarters. They've been set up for you - and Severus. Now, Molly, Arthur, Remus, let's allow these two some privacy."

She leads the way towards the door, opens it and ushers the others out. "Good night Susannah. Severus."

Molly and Arthur nod to us and exit. Remus blows a kiss in my direction then follows them. Finally the Professor goes through the door and closes it.

And Severus and I are alone.

It's just so unbelievable.

Initially, all we can do is stare. We study each other, taking in all that's recognisable and whatever has changed. Severus's suffering is written so clearly all over his face, and not just in the redness of his eyes from his recent tears. He is overwrought, and I can see it's up to me to take the lead here.

"Do you think they're really gone?" I say, attempting to lighten the situation.

"I dare say my behaviour just now would have frightened them off," he replies laconically.

He's probably right, but I'm not about to confirm any fear of having embarrassed himself he might have. So I try another tack.

"I wonder what the rooms are like?"

Severus shrugs, "Very much like the teacher's quarters I've inhabited in my many years here, I would imagine. Nothing flash, but comfortable enough."

"Shall we take a look?" I suggest.

"Yes, let's," is his reply.

Together we cross the room and open the door. There is a table, and a couple of chairs with places set in front of them. On a small hob in the corner, a pot of what smells like a minestrone simmers. The smell of it reminds me how long it is since I had a proper meal.

"Have you eaten?" I ask Severus.

"Not since before…it…No, not since yesterday."

"Here then, sit. Let me feed you."

I see a corner of Severus's mouth twitch. "How well you play the good little wife," he quips.

I fill our two bowls and also cut a few slices from a loaf that sits on the table.

I head towards a chair on the side of the table opposite Severus, but he protests.

"So far away," he comments forlornly.

I pick up my bowl and bread and sit so I am at right angles to him.

"Is that better?" I ask.

He slides his hand over mine and keeps it there while he eats.

He is clearly very hungry because his food disappears rapidly. I refill his bowl.

Once we have both had our fill and I have cleaned up, I head back to my chair to sit down. Again Severus looks sad.

"Is something wrong?" I ask. "Have I done something…"

"No, of course you haven't. Don't worry," he responds. He opens his arms and says "Come to me."

I get up and he pulls me towards him and onto his lap.

"I need to hold you," he says. I sit myself down, and we cuddle in together. His head is once again at my breast, only this time he doesn't cover it with tears.

"You know," I say, stroking his hair. "We haven't kissed yet."

He raises his head. "I know. I wasn't sure if you'd want to."

"What? Why not?"

"Well, so much time has passed, I didn't want to presume that…"

"Presume that what?"

"You still wanted this."

"Define 'this' for me."

"Me, us, our marriage."

"Has none of what I've done tonight convinced you I still want this?"

"You remember me with fondness, obviously, but as I say, it's been years since we've been together and then now there's what happened yesterday to add to the equation."

"But darling, you had to…"

"Yes, yes, you say that, but how do you actually _feel_ now it's happened?"

I take a deep breath. "Severus, in all honesty, it still hardly seems real to me. But remember, I was there with you when Dumbledore told you how it must be. I remember how you pleaded with him to find another way. I can't hate you for doing what I know he instructed."

"And I can't help but hate myself for it," he mutters bitterly.

"My love, Dumbledore decided his own fate, or at least how his end would be carried out."

"He was sick, you know."

This is news to me. "No, I didn't." I say, eager to hear more, but knowing it would probably be best to leave this story for later. "Then you helped him die without pain. Darling, I'm so proud of you! That you would put yourself through all this torment because it was the right thing - both from Dumbledore's perspective, and strategically of course."

"That's a very convenient way to look at it, especially for me. But when it boils down to it, I still killed him."

"You did what he asked. And I love you all the more for it."

Severus looks at me intently. "Do you? Do you really mean that?"

"Yes, my love, I do."

"You still love me? You're sure you still want to be my wife?"

I look just as intently back into his eyes.

"I love you with all my heart, and I swear, I am never leaving you again."

And finally, it is time for that reunion kiss. The contact between our lips starts off tentative, testing at first and then becoming bolder as they recognise each other as familiar. Then, once that initial shyness has passed, the kisses become more abandoned, deeper, longer lasting. He runs his hands through my hair, and I arch back, inviting his lips to explore beyond mine, to my face and neck.

After a few minutes likes this, we separate, look at each other, and smile shyly. We are both wondering if it's too soon into our reunion for our interaction to lead into sex. We wordlessly concur that it's not. He slides me from his lap, takes me by the hand and guides me through the door to our bed chamber.

And the kissing recommences on our bed.

Severus's hand, which is curved around my back as we sit down on the bed, makes its way upwards to my shoulder, then down across my breast. I swoon at the pleasure of it. My hand in turn moves up over his chest to his shoulder, to sweep the cloak from his back. This removal of the first item of our clothing is all the encouragement he needs to start loosening the laces at my waist.

It's all so natural it's like we've never been apart. Almost. As the clothes fall off revealing flesh, I know we are both thinking that the last time we saw each other naked, we were in our early twenties. Now we are approaching forty. And it's true, the muscles of his stomach are softer, the flesh of his body slightly looser. I bet he's thinking that my breasts don't sit as high as they did back then. I hope this troubles him as little as the changes in him worry me. It seems to. I can tell he is as filled with longing for me as I am for him.

Our bodies, aided by our hands and mouths, are fast becoming reacquainted with each other. Despite the changes in the topography of my flesh, he still seems to know exactly how to seduce me utterly. God, it's good to be back with him! My sense of desperation, despair even, increases.

I ache to have him inside me. I sling my leg around his hip invitationally, hoping to hurry along his fulfilment of my need. But just when I'm sure it's about to happen, he backs away.

"Zannah," he says. "I need to know. Have you been with anyone while we've been apart? Be honest with me. I would understand if you had."

"No, darling, of course not! I haven't wanted to. Not in the whole time we've been apart." Then a fear wells inside me. "Have you been with someone else?"

He scoffs, as if the question I have asked him is ridiculous. "No. No one else was ever interested me."

"Well, all I can say is they don't know what they're missing!"

A badly timed joke is so often my defence in intense situations. But Severus is beyond hiding how he feels. He looks at me with those dark, dark eyes of his so close to brimming over, ready to spill the multitude of emotions he has had to endure. It's like he is ready to surrender them to me and is imploring me with those eyes to surrender in kind to him.

"I love you so much, Susannah!" he whispers.

"I love you too, Severus," I whisper back.

Our passion takes up a fervent pace. I tighten my leg's hold on his hip, jerking him towards me, and my longing is fulfilled, almost before I'm conscious of it. I gasp at this long forgotten sensation. Our eyes lock, and we move together, working as we always have; in perfect rhythm. How often during my exile did I imagine us like this, my visions half-fuelled by sheer sexual fantasy, and half fuelled by my memories of us making love? And yet the power of my feelings now astonishes me. I wrap my arms around Severus's shoulders and cling tightly to him; the pleasure, the love, the intensity of everything we have endured, together and apart, all overwhelming me. I had begun to think we would never be together like this. I thought I might never so much as touch my husband again. And now, just as all my hope had nearly abandoned me, here we are. I think to myself that if Severus and I have to die, if Voldermort gets his way and he or his followers find and kill us, I could die right now feeling utterly fulfilled.

Being as one with Severus completes me. I am in my perfect place.

Afterwards, we lie for a while together in our bed, sated and contented. I feel Severus's hand gently sweeping across the exposed skin of my naked back. I lie with my head on his chest and I ponder.

It's over sixteen years since I've had sex, and part of me was fearing I'd forgotten what to do. But it felt so instinctual with Severus. It did from that very first time we slept together, in his bedsit when we were students.

Sixteen years seems like a lifetime. I think of how I lost my virginity to Sirius when I was sixteen. Tonight almost feels like losing it again. Though that first time with Sirius didn't have the same magnitute as our reunion had just now. It was just a game with Sirius. Now with Severus, if feels like life or death. It's like we have died together and come through the other side and been reborn.

Meanwhile, Severus is tapping into my thoughts.

"Zannah," he says. "Were you upset when you heard Sirius Black had died?"

I raise my head from his chest so I can look into his eyes. He has always worried about my relationship with Sirius; understandably, I suppose, seeing as Sirius was my first lover and Severus's schoolyard tormenter. And Severus and I were apart all those long years I hated Sirius, believing, as did everyone else, that he had betrayed Lily and James to Voldermort. When Sirius died, I did feel slightly guilty for thinking he could betray our family like that. But at the same time, I always felt there was something amiss with Sirius, some insidious flaw in his character, that had made the idea of his betrayal so easy to believe. I don't think I ever loved him in the way Severus fears, but he was a big part of my life, and I loved him for that.

But Severus isn't asking for an analysis. He simply needs an honest reply. "Yes, I was," I say.

Perhaps a lie would have been kinder. His gaze drops from my face. He doesn't want to look at me.

"Did it make you think you'd made the wrong choice, choosing me over him?" he asks.

I roll towards him and kiss his neck. "Never, ever. Not for a second. There was never a choice between you. It was always only you. From the moment we met."

Severus kisses the top of my head. "I'm sorry. I know I make you tell me that again and again. It's an old wound, but apparently a deep one still. I'm still half in disbelief that you could ever want to be with me."

"You're my soul mate, Sev," I say, snuggling into his arms. Then I add, with a grin, "And not only that, you're a great root, too."

Severus gives me a perplexed look. "A what?"

"Sorry, it's something I picked up while I was in Australia. Let's just say it means you're a fantastic lover!"

"Australia? Is that where you were? My, there's so much we need to catch up on. But for now, I suppose I should say thank you. Oh, and, um, you're a 'great root' too."

I lay my head back down on his shoulder, pleased that I almost got a laugh of him. I close my eyes and wallow in the sensation of his fingers running through my hair, as he absently twirls a lock around a finger every now and then. He's always loved my hair, and playing with it thus shows he's in a contemplative mood. Although I can't see his face, I am sure he is currently staring off into space, working everything through in his head. We are both too tired for long conversations tonight. After a little while his fingers are still, the rise and fall of his chest deep and regular. He is asleep. And I too am finding myself quickly succumbing to the soothing, soporific effects of finding myself safely wrapped in my husband's arms.


End file.
